smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
