Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
