I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
