ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So many bounce houses so little time
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
