i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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