i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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