and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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