pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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