You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize