All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i may or may not be watching the land before time
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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