I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize