You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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