We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
