I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
