I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
that is very illegal...i love you.
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