apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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