I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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