so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
