There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
