I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This toilet bowl is my home.
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