so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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