Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
