Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
