Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
