are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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