You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
