i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
