Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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