I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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