I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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