this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
that is very illegal...i love you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
