new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
