we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Green mimosas i think yes
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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