Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Church boner. Awkwardddd
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
