Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
