First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
