Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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