Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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