Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We are all done wearing pants today
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
