Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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