I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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