I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
