she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
