Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
