Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
