I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
