I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
