I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
