Who wears a wallet chain?!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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