Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
