I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize