In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
