I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
