fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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