it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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