Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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