Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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