I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
