I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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